It’s always the same drawn out process…Without further words:

10-15 minutes in - Underdog jumps out to the improbable 10-15 point lead…Announcers question the motivation of the major school…Underdog coach starts sweating more than his players, knowing he needs 25-30 more minutes to go his way. This can happen in any game, and in fact happens quite often. Upset Status = 2 of 10.

15-20 minutes in- The major team makes a easy looking run before the half, get the game close again, if not taking the lead. The underdog probly is only as deep as their starters so some tired legs start coming into play, this could be a cause for alarm. Upset Status = 2 of 10.

20-25 minutes in – This is a major fork in the road. Either the underdog

(a) comes out on fire again, and really to go toe to toe with the major team Upset Status = 4 of 10, or
(b) they lay down and are destroyed by 20 – Upset Status = Game Over

If (a):

30-35 minutes in -The game can go back and forth, or the underdog takes a sizeable lead again. Regardless, they’re in it and the crowd starts to get into it. The announcers start talking about past upsets. Gumbel leaves your blowout to “take you to _______ where an upset maaay be brewing.”  Upset Status = 7 of 10

35 minutes in -

(a) The Semi-Tall Guy Who Can Only Rebound fouls out after tapping the major team’s center with his pinky- Upset Status = Game Over
(b) Underdog is able to keep their starters on the floor…no thanks to the refs. Upset Status = 8 of 10

If (b)

35-40 Minutes in - holding the ball for all 35 seconds of the shot clock is imperative.

(a) Any quick trigger will immediately unleashed a full court sprint by the major team that is nearly impossible for the underdog to recover from. Look for the Athletic Scorer Who Can Only Score to be the culprit here.  The announcers will start to talk about how the dream is over, and how valiant of an effort the underdog put in. Upset Statsu = Game Over

(b) If the underdog does control the clock and makes big dagger to the chest shots, usually at the hands of The Short White Point Guard Who Can Shoot Threes, they win. The announcers will go crazy, as will the fans of the team that isn’t the major team, presumably because they know their team will likely roll this underdog in the next round. Gumbel will maintain composure while surely popping wood beneath the desk and CBS spends the next 24 hours showing replays. Upset Status = 10 of 10.

Editor’s Note: If UConn is playing watch closely.

We’ve seen it in every office, there is some douche who has spent 4+ hours studying his bracket to assure an optimal chance of winning his/her pool. For most people, the mission is to find the first round upset, which means nothing in the  grand scheme of your bracket, but they are good for bragging rights. You know, those bragging rights that = ZERO $$

Being a crack investigator, known specifically for digging through dumpsters and tapping people’s phone lines I sat down an analyzed what exactly is needed for an upset, or at least a close call. We’re talking 13 seed or higher here, so save the comments about George Mason.

So…the pawns…if you will:

1. The Short White Point Guard Who Can Shoot Threes -He’s that guy that your friend sees, and immediately makes a claim that he could start for the underdog based merely on his frame.  If you still can’t recognize him, the announcers will be sure to point out that his intangibles that coaches love, like the ability make the extra pass and how he’ll only shoot when absolutely positively necessary. He’ll make a big shot or two down the stretch and almost never be the reason the underdog loses.

2. The Athletic Scorer Who Can Only Score -He’s not a defender, can’t pass, don’t ask him to rebound, and basically really has a tough time doing anything else but score. Presumably he was a kid from a small town who never needed to perfect any other aspect of the game. He’ll give you 20-25 while the announcers comment on how great of a game he’s having based solely on that number. Look out though, when that higher seed makes the inevitable “Oh Damn, we’re down by 12″ run he disappears as fast as his potential pro career.

3. The Semi-Tall Guy Who Can Only Rebound -This guy is about 6′9″ and is really the only person of size on the underdog’s roster. He’s an absolute abortion on offense and is limited in the gameplan to screens and put backs. On defense he has the game of his life, boxing out, rebounding, effectively stopping the army of big men the major school throws at him. For about 35 minutes this guy looks like he’s on his way to being the Chevy Scholarship Player of the Game…that is until that inevitable 5th foul is called and the underdog is forced to throw out the 6′6″ backup who does the complete opposite of the Semi-Tall Guy Who Can Only Rebound.

4. The Coach Who Looks Like He Never Touched a Basketball -He’s dumpy, sweaty, stompy, and totally not in control of the situation. You see, he knows an upset will have him blanketed on every major television station the next day and that means this game basically will set the tone for his future. He’ll ignore his bench. Call meaningless timeouts. Stick with the same gameplan. And ultimately pray that the major school they’re in position to knock off continues to suck so that he doesn’t have to make a decision that could end their upset chances.

(Optional) 5. The Coach’s Son - Usually performs the role of the The Short White Point Guard Who Can Shoot Threes. Not on every team that has pulled an upset, but if he exists, take them.

So. Now go find the team that has most these qualities…and you’ll find your upset. Trust me, come Friday night you’ll be wishing you’d listened.

Anywho, because of the large hispanic population, my neck of the woods has seemed to grasp the Mexican Cinco de Mayo holiday more and more over the decades. Still, I’ll be enjoying a Guinness while throwing down some bangers and mash tomorrow night. So why am I doing today’s morning post? You’ll find out tomorrow.

It’s the play-in game tonight. Remember I wrote about that last year? I probably won’t watch.

Another take on the idea of whether college players should be paid (BCS Evolution)

Just when youy thought you had a friend…Is the Pitt media turning on Big Ben? (Sports by Brooks)

How many dirty stinkin’ Noles does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Eight. One to screw it in, and the others to sit around and bitch on the internet on how they’re sure the Gators aren’t a better program. Oh ya, and Christian Ponder is 85% healthy during spring ball (Orlando Sentinel.)

That Erin Andrews video made you the man for about a week and made you someone’s bitch for 2 1/2 years. Godspeed. (Newsday)

UConn students?!!?! NIT!!! Please come. Seriously. No? Fine. At least watch. No? Ok ok…at least write on our wall(Facebook)

Brady Quinn came at a cost, and that cost was Chris Simms. (Mile High Salute)

NIT #1 seed Illinois will be playing at SUNY-Stony Brook because Cirque du Soleil has invaded Assembly Hall. (670 the Score)

Don’t forget to sign up for the S&F bracket!!! Totally worth it!

We are obviously on a time crunch, please don’t procrastinate. I went over it with Sparty and we decided to make it $20. Too much? One less trip to the drive-thru this week should cover it (Trey: PACIFIC SHRIMP TACO-LESS WEEK???? NO!!!!!!!!).

• $20
• please send via Paypal to patphish2000@hotmail.com , TODAY.
• Don’t have Paypal account? Bow your head in shame, then email me and Ill send you my address so you can mail me CASH TOMORROW. Don’t send me a check next Thursday. I’ll cash it, spend it, and not count your entry.
• Once I receive your $ or email I will send you the invite and the password to the group.
• Winner take all.
• Unlimited amount of entries, you want to lose 5 times, that’s your prerogative.
• No consulting with GITC to find the champ

Again, sign up now, it takes 2 minutes. Feel free to invite your friends, family, & co-workers (you know, that asshole in accounting who will pick UConn). Email me with questions, the sooner the better.

That is all,

patphish

The brackets are out, and while I wrote most of this last night. TBL did something similar. I’m sure most blogs did. I’m unoriginal.

1) Duke’s Warp Zone to the Final Four…Like many people I am puzzled why people are puzzled by the fact that most popular college basketball team on the planet would be gifted such a smooth path to Indianapolis. Your explanation: After the first two days of the tournament viewership drops, presumably because most people’s brackets have gone to total dog ass. However, millions hang on merely to watch Duke get knocked out. The longer it takes Duke to get knocked out the longer you tune it. It’s not fucking rocket science.

2) The Upset to Displace ALL Upsets…People are jumping all over the obvious. UTEP over Butler!!!! Then if it does happen they’ll be throwing their printed bracket in your face, screaming how they like 20 Million other Americans called it and how they’re now smarter than Dick Vitale’s bad eye. That game is too obvious, I need something that really would take down people. Louisville over Cal! That’s a fucking upset pick!

3) The Play-in Game…I went to three straight. Worth every penny. I’ve never really watched one on TV. It is boring as sin. Discuss.

4) Podding…It seems as if the NCAA threw the worst cities in the United States in a  hat and picked them out as cities to start their precious tournament (Providence, Spokane, Buffalo, Milwaukee, Jacksonville, etc.).  The NCAA played the stimulus card and sent the Kentucky Wildcats and their herd of fans to New Orleans. Syracuse gets to bus over to Buffalo. Kansas and Kansas State are starting in OKC. Kansas stays local for the second round, while Syracuse travels all the way out to Salt Lake City…Who got the best draw location wise? BYU. If the 7th seed gets to the Sweet 16, they’re in SLC also. Oops.

5) Team That Was Seeded Too High…Probably New Mexico. Although I thought most the seeding was done well, the committee dicked over Gonzaga for years even though they would rack up a similar record playing a tougher schedule. Anywho, this is reaching…plus we have it out for the MWC, or so their fans say.

6) Team That Was Seeded Too Low…Tennessee. 14th in the RPI. 25 Wins. 19th Ranked SOS. Wins over the #1 and #2 teams in the country. You sir are awarded a 6 seed, the same seed as a Notre Dame team that was squarely on the bubble a week and a half ago. It was the committee way of telling Mr. Pearl…we need more nipple!

7) Team With a Legit Gripe For Being Left Out…Mississippi State. They were .4 seconds away from dancing, but a put back by Kentucky ripped their still beating hearts out and left them campaigning for a spot. Granted their strength of schedule was complete garbage and early loses to Rider and Western Kentucky probably did them in, but they did try. How were they to know UCLA and Depaul would be complete shit this year.

8 ) Team That Shouldn’t Be In…Cal. With no wins to write home about, the fact that they played in the Pac-10 was definitely the deciding factor, even though the league was complete shit this year. If they were in any mid-major they’d be NITing right now.

9) How To Get Rid of Crabs…Apply. Brush. Dry. Brought to you by the University of California – Santa Barbara They take on Ohio State in the first round. Coincidence?

10) Can a _____ beat a ______…My wife is famous for this reasoning when it comes to filing out a bracket. Would a Terrier beat a Badger? Can a Gael whoop a Spider? This year’s tournament features the ultimate brain fuck…Can an Aggie beat an Aggie? What the fuck is an Aggie? Can they fight each other? Safe to say most women will be popping Advil trying to answer this gem.

Both teams blow, but don’t you think a UConn vs. UNC semifinal at the Garden might turn some heads? Memphis and Illinois?

They weren’t stupid, they fudged their seeding to assure big teams would be playing big games, every night of their tourney. For example:

The potential second round match-up between Cincy and Dayton. Nationally, a snoozer. Locally, a likely sellout at either location. Especially Dayton. Dayton sells out minor league baseball games, they’ll definitely fill their arena for an exhibition basketball match.

The potential second round match-up of Memphis and Ole Miss. Separated by only 70 miles, the two have played each other in football annually on and off for decades. Again, a local sellout.

I probably won’ t watch a single minute because I dedicated way too much time to this tournament the last two years, but this is definitely the best possible scenario for ESPN, who often finds themselves overshadowed this time of the year.

If your team was on the bubble, and they won yesterday, breath a deep sigh of relief, because chances are you’re in. This bubble absolutely blows. To say one really exists would be pressing your luck.

 Say goodbye to any shot of the tournament UAB and Arizona State. You can’t be on the wrong side of the bubble, and then lose to subpar teams in your conference tourneys.

The first part is fairly easy…

Your One School Conference Bids (21) :
America East – Stony Brook
Atlantic Sun – East Tennessee State
Big Sky – Montana
Big South- Winthrop
Big West – UC- Santa Barabara
Colonial – Old Dominion
Horizon- Butler
Ivy -Cornell
MAAC- Siena
MAC – Kent State
MEAC – Morgan State
Missouri Valley – Northern Iowa
Northeast – Robert Morris
Ohio Valley – Murray State
Patriot – Lehigh
Southern – Wofford
Southland – Sam Houston State
Southwestern – Arkansas – Pine Bluff
Summit – Oakland
Sun Belt – North Texas
WAC – Utah State

Here is where it gets tricky, there are a lot of good teams with good wins out there. And there is always some 13 loss team the selection committee throws in so people can bitch about it, but here’s how I see it finishing…

Your Multiple Bid Leagues (in order of finish):

A-10 (3) – Temple, Xavier, Richmond
ACC (7) – Duke, Maryland, Virginia Tech, Florida State, Wake Forest, Clemson, Georgia Tech
Big East (8) – Syracuse, West Virginia, Pitt, Villanova, Marquette, Louisville, Georgetown, Notre Dame
Big 10 (4) – Purdue, Michigan State,  Ohio State, Wisconsin
Big 12 (7) – Kansas, Kansas State, Texas A&M, Texas, Baylor, Oklahoma State, Missouri
Conference USA (2) – UTEP, Memphis
Mountain West (4) – New Mexico, BYU, UNLV, San Diego State
Pac 10 (2) – Cal, Washington
SEC (5) -Kentucky, Vanderbilt, Tennessee, Florida, Ole Miss
WCC (2)- St. Mary’s, Gonzaga

And just missing the cut:

Seton Hall,  Illinois, Mississippi State, Cincinnati,

And your 1 seeds:

Kansas, Kentucky, Duke, WVU

Out This Week:

Memphis will hang on to probably be the last team into the dance because the bubble is absolute garbage…and they want  to allow 96 teams in. However, a win by Illinois today, and that could change.

USF was destroyed by Georgetown and is officially NIT-ing.

Arizona State’s loss to 13-17 Stanford was probably the most devastating loss yesterday. This basically assures that Washington will be in with a win tonight.

Yesterday Nomar Garciaparra signed and retired as a Red Sock. WOW! He did what? He signed for three hours as a Red Sock to…retire?

Color me confused, but what’s the point?  Sure he was the most beloved of all the Sox for the better part of 8 years, but Nomar left the team because Boston was no longer interested in his services. He bounced around the majors, suffering a slew of injuries that never allowed him to recapture the magic he brought to the field in Boston.

Retiring as a Red Sox player really means nothing in the end. If (and that’s a big IF) Nomar somehow found his way into the Hall of Fame, they wouldn’t list 2010 as a year on the team, and chances are he’d go as a Sock regardless. I don’t know, I remember Emmitt Smith doing the same thing with the Cowboys. It just seems so pointless. Help me out here. What am I missing?

File this one under things my wife won’t eat. Right next to scalloped potatoes, bacon, and now…the Shrimp Taco from Taco Bell.

What the hell was the Bell thinking? They usually are able to create new foods by simply taking one of three low grade meats and adding a new sauce to it. So if you’re eating subpar ground beef, chicken, or “steak” and you order something containing shrimp from the fast food joint. Screw up shrimp and you’re waking up with your jaw tightly locked while shitting ever ounce of liquid out your ass.

I don’t blame her for this one. This just has bad idea written on it.

Sparty Note: Aaaaaaaaand, we’re back.

I got proof. In 2007, my wife won a $500 bracket. Beating 100 other people, mostly male. Now I’ve done one every freaking year since who knows, and have never won dick. In reality, it’s the true beauty of this tournament. I’m amped.

Bud Selig considering realligning divisions? I’m really not opposed to this idea Mr. Verducci.

What are Minnesota’s chances without Joe Nathan? (better than the media will want to admit)

Hugging Harold Reynolds gives us the top Big East players that never worked out in the NBA. Thabeet #2? I know he blows, but it might be a little early.

Notre Dame’s AD says that another conference shakeup might force them to join a conference. WHAT? You mean that NBC deal for $10 Mil per doesn’t look so sexy next to the $17-20 Mil per the SEC and Big 10 are pulling in? Now get back to your game of jacks and your strawberry fizzie Notre Dame!

Big Baby is going to be a daddy!!

New Giants QB Jim Sorgi doesn’t have to work hard for his money.

True story: My old trial partner is a HUGE Steelers fan. She came running into my office yesterday announcing, “We got Randel El back!!!” Needless to say, Pittsburgh liked the guy…for some reason.

Jennifer Hudson to sing a new version of One Shining Moment? NEW COKE! NEW SAVED BY THE BELL CLASS!! NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE!!! I HATE NEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like cheese? Like your mother? Good cause a key ingrediant in this type of cheese.

Enjoy your morning…y’all!

It’s back. Due to some increased responsibilities on the site and in my own life, I haven’t been trotting this out like I’ve wanted to, but like Lundardi I was 100% without a doubt right last year on everything (5 minutes after the selection committee released their bracket). So lets start with the Conference Champs.

The first part is fairly easy…

Your One School Conference Bids (21) :
America East – Stony Brook
Atlantic Sun – East Tennessee State
Big Sky – Northern Colorado
Big South- Winthrop
Big West – UC- Santa Barabara
Colonial – Old Dominion
Horizon- Butler
Ivy -Cornell
MAAC- Siena
MAC – Kent State
MEAC – Morgan State
Missouri Valley – Northern Iowa
Northeast – Robert Morris
Ohio Valley – Murray State
Patriot – Lehigh
Southern – Wofford
Southland – Sam Houston State
Southwestern – Jackson State
Summit – Oakland
Sun Belt – Troy
WAC – Utah State

Here is where it gets tricky, there are a lot of good teams with good wins out there. And there is always some 13 loss team the selection committee throws in so people can bitch about it, but here’s how I see it finishing…

Your Multiple Bid Leagues (in order of finish):

A-10 (3) – Temple, Xavier, Richmond
ACC (7) – Duke, Maryland, Virginia Tech, Florida State, Wake Forest, Clemson, Georgia Tech
Big East (8) – Syracuse, West Virginia, Pitt, Villanova, Marquette, Louisville, Georgetown, Notre Dame
Big 10 (4) – Purdue, Michigan State,  Ohio State, Wisconsin
Big 12 (7) – Kansas, Kansas State, Texas A&M, Baylor, Oklahoma State, Texas, Missouri
Conference USA(2) – UTEP, Memphis
Mountain West (4) – New Mexico, BYU, UNLV, San Diego State
Pac 10 (2) – Cal, Washington
SEC (5) -Kentucky, Vanderbilt, Tennessee, Florida, Ole Miss
WCC (2)- St. Mary’s, Gonzaga

And just missing the cut:

Seton Hall,  Illinois, USF, Mississippi State, Arizona State

And your 1 seeds:

Kansas, Kentucky, Syracuse, Duke

Out This Week:

St. Mary’s was probably in regardless of what happened in las Vegas last night. That being said, an upset in the Horizon tonight will probably knock Georgia Tech or Ole Miss out.

Friend: “Beer?”
Me: “Sure, throw me an Old Dominion.”

See? Lets try that again.

Friend: “Beer?”
Me: “Sure, throw me a William & Mary”

No! A William & Mary would probably be some fruity wine cooler. Not cool!

And what about the 9pm game? Gongaza vs. The Bells of St. Mary’s? Saint Mary’s is a major bubble team. Gonzaga is in no matter what. Gonzaga accepted me to their law school. Go Zags!

So…

CAA Conference Championship – 7pm – ESPN
MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAC Championship – 7pm – ESPN2
WCC Championship – 9pm – ESPN
Southern Conference Championship – 9pm – ESPN2

Boomer$ is on tonight too. You’d think that’s some Gangsta Grillz type TV show, but it isn’t. It’s Tom Brokaw’s investigative report on how many Baby Boomers are dealing with retirement. Looks interesting though.

Much like the Man from Nantucket, the tales of proverty and filth in Cleveland, Ohio might be heavily exaggerated. However, the town sure is good at reinforcing the image. Cleveland spent this past weekend setting the World Record for most people in one place…wearing a Snuggie. Yes, the amazing As Seen on TV product that not only keeps you warm, but makes you look like a real life Jedi.

Confusing the rest of America, the promotion quickly accelerated Cleveland from the ranks of “Places You Don’t Want to Live” to “Fully Blown Cult Compound”. Leaving David Korresh and Jim Jones are shakin’ their fists in their graves.

In a  move that will almost assure that he continues his recent streak of great point guards, rumors are flying that Brandon Knight will officially announce his commitment to the University of Kentucky and John Calipari next week.  Knight has been rumored to be influenced by William Wesley who has long been tied to John Calipari and past recruits like DaJuan Wagner and Derrick Rose.

Brandon Knight is the nation’s top recruit according to Rivals.com, the Gatorade National Player of the Year, and averaging 31.8 points, 8.7 rebounds, 5.6 assists and three steals at the Pine Crest School in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. And those looking at him as another kid just using college to skip to the NBA? He’s maintained a 4.3 GPA, while taking Pine Crest, a school that has had zero basketball success to the state finals.

In other news, Florida was really banking their recruiting class on this kid, leaving Gator fans lost in a sea of madness looking for a new hope to rescue the former Championship program.

Hard to argue with Cal’s result though. Rose and Tyreke Evans were both top draft picks after one year of school, and John Wall is sure to follow.

“I encourage any man who thinks he is on the same level or even thinks he can outplay the women from the Mercury to put his skills to the test and tryout for the practice team,” said Mercury head coach Corey Gaines. “The men who are able to stay on pace at the tryouts will definitely be helpful to my players.”

(Hits the Way-Back Machine)

I’m not sure if you remember, and the hell if I’m spending an hour digging it up, but our writer, GuyInTheCorner, claimed that he could beat any female at any level of basketball last year. It wasn’t like he said it in passing either. It was a full on, “Women suck at basketball and couldn’t even stay on the same court as me” type of mad scienctist, with beakers of pink liquid smoking behind  him and a gnarly assistant with a giant deformity type of statetment.

The opportunity is NOW.

GITC, it’s time for the you to stick your money where your mouth is, and try out of this exclusive club. If anything you’ll get a free boxed lunch and Phoenix Mercury t-shirt to parade around the courts of Baltimore.

Who run it?!!

Join us here at Sparty and Friends in wishing the elder MikeyCHX a very happy birthday. It took a lot of infighting to see who got to write this post.

Miz – Stuck in a Port-o-Let that was tipped.
BigD – Sleeping…ignored our repeated emails…including the ones with porn titles.
PatPhish – Brazilian Wax at 3pm. Just to touch up though.
GITC – Was available, for once. Wrote the words “Happy Mikey Birthday” and tried posting it.
JP – Wanted to link a bunch of Shakira vids, which Mikey isn’t a fan of apparently.
Sparty – Claimed jury duty had exhuasted him to the point of no return. He started to write, but complained…and complained…and eventually gave up…only to sucker me into it.

Which leaves this with me. I dunno what to say Mikey. Happy Birthday! I know that being from Ocala has really put you behind the 8-ball in life, both literally and figuratively. You see an Ocalan can be the smartest fucking person in the world, but their streets all have like twenty different names and you think yourself retarded trying to get around there.

“You mean Pine Avenue is Federal Highway 441 AND 301 along with State Road 25 and 200? And everyone calls it something different? Fuck off people.”

Your days drinking on Magnolia have left you with the permanent residue of bleach, rubbing alcohol, and antifreeze on your breath. Your nights parading around horse farms picking shrooms off of shit for a high has led to your belief that a man/horse relationship is acceptable…so long as they aren’t the same sex.

You do have a gift for photoshopping though, and while youve photoshopped yourself a bigger dong for PlentyofFish.com, your secret insecurity is completely safe with me. We can’t all be blessed. At least not in the “non-virtual world.”

You’re one of the fathers of this site, and while a Mikey spotting these days is as likely as Megan Fox calling me to for sex advice, it’s great when it happens.

So Mikey. Happy Birthday. Have an extra stong Appletini on me tonight. Just be careful, the guy next to you is probably buying your next one because he think you’ll work it off.

- Trey