Those who have never been to New Orleans really don’t understand how unique of a city it is, or how crazy their people actually are. Believe me, they’re f’n crazy. And one thing these nut cases have done is perfect the parade. So it comes as no surprise that  this Super Bowl parade will be unlike anything any city has ever had. (Some asshatin New York is undoubtedly yelling Tiiickeeer Teeeape!)

The parade actually began its planning stages last week before the Big Game. It might seem like a jinx, but with Mardi Gras parades starting Wednesday, the cluster-eff of adding another parade probably would have cause serious boze sweets. (Plus it’s common for cities to organize early)

Why This Parade and the Surrounding Festivities Will kick Ass:

10. Mini Jazz/Mardi Gras Umbrellas-  They’re those ridiculously small umbrellas that Cindy Bear can be seen  jonesin’ around with when deflecting Yogi’s sexual advances. In modern times, they serve no purpose other than cause my wife (and other psycho-superstitious people) to believe that incredible amounts of bad luck stand inevitable merely for walking in and out of enclosed buildings with it open.

9. Gigantic Floats- While I have not been able to confirm whether or not they’ll be used, but THEY HAVE TO BE!!! Preferably one with a GIANT DREW BREES FACE!

8. My Ex-girlfriend – She was nuts. And grew up in NOLA. And is a Saints fan. 99% chance of her or her kin-folk being there.

7. Chicory Laced Coffee- From Wikipedia: Long-term use of chicory as a coffee substitute may damage human retinal tissue, with dimming of vision over time and other long term effects…BALLS BITCHES! BRING IT ON!

6. The Hand Grenade – I have no fucking clue what they throw into this frozen concoction, but unlike the long drawn out process chicory provides, drinking a hand Grenade increases the chance for blindness in a matter of minutes.  ALSO ACCEPTED: Abita Beer – In 2003, nobody warned me that this stuff is like antifreeze.

5. Cajun Accents- Not EVERYONE in NOLA has one of these bad boys, but when you do run into someone who does you can’t help but eat up the gibberish that expels from their mouth like it’s instructions on how to make the always important antidote. For Example:

That guy ain’t fucking around. Now cut one off in traffic and see what happens.

4. Cougars -New Orleans is a natural breeding ground for these types. Women fueled by a mixture of Xanax, Red Bull, and booze, running around using words like “crunk” and “jiggy” hoping to score them a nice young man to coddle that evening. They’ll actually attend this parade telling their friend’s they want to screw (insert Saints player) as a joke, when deep down inside they’ve played some fantasy where (insert Saints player) stumbles across their path before/during/after the parade and they rock his world. In reality, they’ll end up hooking up with some drunk overweight frat boy, officially being branded his slumpbuster.

3. Brass Bands – The city of jazz has some rules. First, any gathering of more than 20 people in the streets requires a brass jazz band. Second, all brass instruments used must have some sort of serious dent in it. That is all.

2. Beads - The City of New Orleans has kept several villages in China above water based solely on 5¢ worth of plastic and string. Don’t be fooled, there are several different levels of beads, and the guys just throwing out the lame cheapest of the cheap are not going to get the love that those who spent $6 on ONE beaded necklace with Betty Boop charms all over it.

1. Boobies -The greatest design by God on the human anatomy, flush to perfection. Hidden and kept that way by damn near every woman, that is, until they suck down a Hand Grenade and have a 5¢ worth of foreign plastic dangled in their face. At that point, even the most prude of all prudes come out of the closet. In NOLA not only is it socially acceptable, but guaranteed to be caught on film by every amateur cellphotographer out there.

Don’t believe me? 6pm ESPN.

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