Now that Lane Kiffin has slithered his way to USC with his daddy and friends, the University of Tennessee at Knoxville is desperately trying to fill their head coaching vacancy with someone that will not only bring stability back to the program, but save it from losing every single recruit from what is supposedly a star-studded class.   We at Sparty & Friends were able to sneak-a-peak at the university’s long list and decided now would be a good time to share it with you.

Troy Calhoun

We would be inclined to say that this is one of the rising young coaches in the game, but Mr. Calhoun has been coaching for 20 years now.  He began as an assistant under longtime Air Force coach Fisher DeBerry, and has also been a coordinator at Ohio University and Wake Forest.  He also had a brief tenure in the NFL as a member of Mike Shanahan’s staff in Denver, as well as offensive coordinator for the Houston Texans under Gary Kubiak.  Following those assistant positions, Calhoun returned to Air Force as their head coach where he immediately had success by leading the Falcons to a 9-3 record, and helped him secure the MWC Coach of the Year honors.  Offenses have typically flourished under Calhoun, and would be a welcomed addition with all the athletes that Tennessee hopes to hold onto.  He would also help establish stability, as Tennessee would appear to be more of a destination rather than a stepping-stone.

Will Muschamp

Rumors have already circulated that Tennessee has offered the job to the Texas defensive coordinator, but reports are that he has already made the decision to stay at Texas, where he is supposed to be the head coach-in-waiting.  Muschamp has an SEC background.  He was a walk-on at Georgia, was a graduate assistant to begin his coaching career at Auburn, and went on to being the defensive coordinator on LSU’s National title-winning team.  He would then end up back at Auburn following a short stint in the NFL under Nick Saban with the Miami Dolphins, and resulted in the Tigers being one of the better defensive teams in the country.  He ultimately departed for Texas as the defensive coordinator under Mack Brown.

Phil Fulmer

Don’t be surprised if the former leader of Tennessee football was to return.  Fulmer was forced out of the head coaching job following the 2008 season due to mediocrity.  Yes, Fulmer won a National Title in the 1998-99 season.    But, following that season, Tennessee would fail to reach any BCS bowl games, and also fail to win any SEC titles.   Why would the school consider bringing Fulmer back?  Well, maybe mediocrity doesn’t look so horrible when a program is on the brink.  If Fulmer could return to the school, maybe as athletic director, or as mess hall garbage disposal.

Jon Gruden

This was my long shot pick to land the gig, but Gruden was one of the first men that the school reached out to and he wisely said no.  A successful college coach can’t tarnish his legacy but failing in the NFL, but a successful NFL coach could do that in college.  This is why you don’t see NFL coaches who have won the Super Bowl ever taking a head coaching job in college.  Gruden might seem like a perfect college coach, but why take that job when you are making millions as an analyst and can get wait for the right NFL job to open up?  Oh shit, he’s gonna end up being Coughlin’s replacement. Stay in the booth!!!!

Urban Meyer

After the Kiffin to USC news nearly shut down the internet, don’t you want to see the college football coaching carousel A-SPLODE in about 30 seconds?

Scotty Bowman

Hey, the man wins.  Everywhere he has ever coached, they have won a title.  Maybe bringing a little bit of the Canadian grit would help establish the Vols as one of the more physical teams in the NCAA.  He is the only coach in professional sports history to win championships with 3 different organizations.  See, a winner.  Though he isn’t a coach right now with the Chicago Blackhawks, that organization finally started to win games once he took on an administrative roll with the franchise.  Regardless, Bowman has always been a guy close to the action, and he’s available if Tennessee moves quickly.  One issue: Bowman was known for using a duck caller to call out line changes in the NHL…if he was to use this device at Neyland Stadium, this could lead to several involuntary manslaughter cases.

John Wooden

Greatest. Ever. 7 in a row. ‘Nuff said.

The Noid

Like Big D, this guy has been out of work since the first Bush administration.   He was known to stir up trouble back in his day, and is all about ball control.  He would do anything to make sure that the Vols held onto the ball longer than 30 mins.

Dora the Explorer

Is there room for two big broads on campus?  Dora would bring some Latin flavor to Tennessee and would definitely be an outsider to those in and around Knoxville.  One thing is for certain, this program would stay the course with Dora, as she always has a map to where she wants to go.  One major issue would most likely be her disturbing belly-shirts.  Those don’t belong on an 8-year-old.

Mike Leach/Mark Mangino/Jim Leavitt

No words needed.

Bud Kilmer

Men would play injured for this man.  They would run through walls for this man.  These boys would be turned into men or face his wrath:”Cry me a river, you fat fucking baby!” Something tells me that a couple of their offensive lineman have already heard this.

The Tennessee Hostesses

Natural recruiters with unnatural bodies.

Old Lady

She has the right idea, am I wrong?

The City of Pahokee

Prancing his way through the city, Lane Kiffin managed to piss off all 6,000 or so residents in a town that has produced more NFL players per capita than any other city in the United States in the last 20 or so years. Naturally the only way to seek forgiveness and ever have a shot of scoring the town’s richest resources not called crack.

Mark Mize

Why not give the job to a regular alum?  Really just did this as an excuse to post this picture.

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