You see Lane is making his first (and potentially only) visit to the Swamp this weekend and as a Gator fan I feel the need to welcome him to the exclusive SEC club. Instead of some hate infested tirade about Lane Kiffin’s verbal abuse of the Florida program, I’m taking the high road with what I call a Sparty-ography of Mr. Lane Monte Kiffin.

His football career as we know it started in the mid 90s when he served as a backup quarterback/clipboard manager for the Fresno State Bulldogs…a strapping buck, Lane was often known for being the first guy to shove 2 hard boiled eggs up his ass before a game against Nevada. Forgetting about the eggs, Lane went out and got his drink on at some sexy sorority parties around campus. At midnight and 12 appletinis in he shit them out. To his shock he immediately ran around campus declaring that he was the first human being to ever lay an egg and calling himself a modern marvel worth millions of dollars.

After three seasons of serving such a valuable role to the team he pulled a Charlie Conway and gave up his spot on the team his senior year to serve Student Assistant Coach/Gatorade server. It was this point and this point only where he blossomed…

Lane received his degree leisure service management in 1998 despite getting a zero on his final exam, “who would have thought the answer to ‘What state do you live in?’ wasn’t Fresno”, barked a young Kiffin. To this day he stands by the belief that it was a trick question and the professor should be fired for trying to bully students into another semester of his course.

Despite the troubles the staff at Colorado State found a way to get him on as a graduate assistant for a year before he secured his first NFL job with the Jacksonville Jaguars as a Quality Control Assistant. A paying job, he was making sure Mark Brunell’s Gatorade was lemon-lime flavored and Jimmy Smith’s coke was the freshest in Jacksonville. To Lane the job was certainly fun, but it didn’t allow him to use his talents to the fullest…coaching football.

Enter the newly hired Pete Carroll and the USC Trojans, thanks to his dad’s relationship with Monte Kiffin, after Pete Carroll needed more a-holes on staff after filing out an application from his local LaborReady he was hired on as a position coach. It didn’t take long for young Lane to move up the ranks and when Norm Chow bolted for the NFL, Pete Carroll handed his precious offense featuring 90 future NFL players over to young Lane….Determined to improve the already great unit, Lane rented Madden 2005 and played for 8 straight days…he then subsequently guided the most unstoppable offense in NCAA history to a second place finish after a loss to Texas in the Rose Bowl. “No one could have seen a Lendale White rush up the middle on 4th and 1…No one!” He answered in a post game interview.

Lane’s big break came in 2007. While receiving his bi-weekly colonic flush Al Davis was given a list of coaches to replace the recently canned Art Shell…The problem was his Brazilian indentured servant only put last names on the list, after failing to learn that people do in fact have two names…There it was, 9th down in Times New Roman print…”Kiffin”…Thinking of the guy whose defense was a summabitch in the 2002 Super Bowl, Davis thought he had his ultimate revenge for Jon Gruden…stealing the guy who won him a championship. When Lane showed up for the first day of work Al put on his fruity chained glasses and to his “fucking surprise” there was a 30-something male standing right in front of him. He immediately begged the young Kiffin for his secrets to reversing aging…when news came out that he was Monte’s son and not Monte, Davis answered, “You here to tell me he died?”

“No sir, ya ya you hired me, “ answered Lane, “to to to be your new football coach.”

“I did?”

“Yes”

He glared at his indentured servant who was already flush in the face knowing that for the next 12 hours he’d be doing Al’s liver spot check as a result of this untimely fuck up.

“I just had a bed and breakfast owner for an offensive coordinator. I guess you can’t be much worse than that pussy. Now go on and get outta her, I gotta get neked.” He again glanced over at young Robinhoele and nodded, “Every inch!”

Twenty-one months and several liver spot check punishments later, Lane decided he had enough and raged. He would not be pushed around by the ol’ man and his crooked teeth that would have the British outraged. It was unfair that a 32 year old head coach not be given complete control over a multimillion dollar organization in football’s highest level of competition. UNFAIR! Refusing to relinquish the job, he was eventually unjustifiably let go with the most beloved figure in NFL history accusing him of “being crazy, but having a hot wife.”

Still living off the coat tails of his the slack jaw, defensive masta’ mind father, Lane wore his best smile, seersucker suit and favorite skimmer to meet with some folks at the University of Tennessee in Knoxville. “Why would you be a good fit as head coach of the Tennessee Volunteers?” asked one unnamed official.

“Because…” Lane stood up grabbed a cane and proceeded into a show-tune like song about how he’d be great for the job, making sure to mention that he could get his dad to join him in the catchy diddy.
It was at that moment Lane convinced the state of Tennessee that he was worth about $2.4 million a year, with the money to be deposited in an unnamed account in the Cayman Islands of course.

His first task as Tennessee coach? Pissing on General Neyland’s grave. You see he wanted to send home the point that the past is the past and nothing clears up the past like degrading it.

His second? Pooping on Florida head coach Urban Meyer’s bed. After trying to sneak into his house he was met by a problem, you see the Meyers locked their doors and windows. Upset and discombobulated Lane hitchhiked back up to Knoxville collecting his thoughts on how to make his mark with the defending National Champs…Then a light turn on in his head, “Accuse them of a recruiting violation,” he screamed. And he did…after the SEC came calling Tennessee president and athletic director organized a brief meeting to discuss his recent behavior. It didn’t go well, and before Lane dismissed himself he grabbed Tennessee athletic director Mike Hamilton by the balls and started screaming, “you see these…these are mine! Don’t you fucking forget that!!”

And with that, Lane Kiffin is still a young man with thousands of days ahead of him, thus making this biography incomplete. Still we should not forget that Lane won’t let you forget that his dad is Monte Kiffin, or that his wife is hot, or that he talks to the media the same way Jim Gaffigan talks to a to a crowd of drunks. Ladies and Gentlemen Mr. Lane Monte Kiffin.

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