This is a rerun of a post that ran exactly 10 weeks ago today. I really never expected to be reposting this on the occasion of Michael’s death. And if I did, I never would have expected it this soon. My heart goes out to Michael’s friends and family around the world as well as his fans. Michael worked to make the world a better place not just with his music, but in other ways as well. For the world to lose its most famous person so unexpectedly is truly tragic. Michael may not have been a normal person for one second in his life, but he tried to make everyone’s lives better. The man was one of the most creative people to ever walk this earth and the world will never forget him. Long live the King of Pop, and to all out those who are saddened by his death, please remember that he’ll be back some day in his red leather jacket, pack of undead in tow, and busting a move like always. Rest in peace, Michael – peace is what you wanted for us all.

So, being the observant Sparty and Friends reader that I know you are, you were probably wondering what I meant by this. It did garner some attention in the comments at the time and I’m sure that nobody forgot about it. Well, the time has come. It is now time for the moment that you’ve looked forward to for a long time. And I don’t just mean since I dropped that tease, I mean since birth. It’s time for your NBA Playoff Preview Courtesy of the King of Pop. Each series will be compared to a hit song by Michael Jackson.

Western Conference

#1 Los Angeles Lakers (65-17) vs. #8 Utah Jazz (48-34)
Song: You Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’

The Lakers and Jazz played three times this year. In those three match-ups, three people received two technicals each. Those three players? Kobe Bryant, Deron Williams, and Jerry Sloan? So the star player of each team and one of the best coaches of all time all got T’ed up twice in a three game span? Count me in. Not only is this good for watchability, but the average score of those three games was 116-108. Did I mention this was a #1 vs. #8 match-up? Well, it is. The Lakers won two of three in the season series and they will almost definitely whoop the Jazz in this series.

You love to pretend that you’re good
When you’re always up to no good

This goes out to Kobe Bryant. People may think that Kobe is pretty calm on the court. But those two technicals he received are no aberration. Kobe was 9th in the league in technicals. The eight guys that are ahead of him are Rasheed Wallace, Steven Jackson, Carmelo Anthony, Dwight Howard, James Posey, Kendrick Perkins, Jermaine O’Neal, and Nate Robinson. All of those guys are known as hotheads on the court (with the possible exception of Dwight Howard depending on how well you know the NBA) but Kobe somehow isn’t.

Tellin’ lies and rubbin’ shoulders
So they called her mouth a motor

This goes out to Sasha Vujacic along with a big ‘ol “shut up” from me. I hate this guy. And yes, the quote implies he is of the female variety. The lies are the flops (not that big of a stretch) and the shoulder rubs are what he does while running down court. Oh, and he can’t shut up.

If you cant feed your baby (yeah, yeah)
Then don’t have a baby (yeah, yeah)

OK, this doesn’t actually go out to anybody so much as it is another metaphor for writing checks you can’t cover. You know what? This goes out to the first guy in any series to make a guarantee or anything of the sort.

#2 Denver Nuggets (54-38) vs. #7 New Orleans Hornets (49-33)
Song: Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough

Look, this song choice is not saying that this is my favorite series. It saying that this is going seven games. Of all first round series, this one is sure to go the distance. Here’s the bottom line; the Nuggets are a #2 seed? Did I miss something? I watch the NBA more than anybody I know and I can tell you that the Nuggets just aren’t that good. The way the Nuggs fool people into thinking they are good is that Carmelo is a star player and Billups can use his few skills to prey on bad point guards. I have news for the Nuggets though… Chris Paul is not a bad point guard.

Fever, Temperatures Risin’ Now

To the aforementioned CP3. Remember last year’s playoffs where CP3 showed us how Jason Kidd had lost about three steps and dropped 67 points and 27 assists as the Hornets blasted Dallas in the first two games? This could happen again except it would be showing that Chauncey has lost only two steps or so. Fortunetly for Denver, they have a backup plan…

Touch Me And I Feel On Fire

Obviously, this is Carmelo Anthony. Look, he scored 33 points in a quarter this season. A very secretive thing to point out to you guys who are just tuning in for the playoffs is that ‘Melo should be getting the ball every time down the floor in a big situation. Mr. Big Shot? Nope. If you’ve seen the Nuggets you know that the only way that they can win this is to let ‘Melo run wild on David West. What’s crazy is that David West is now so underrated that he’s overrated (see: Wallace, Ben – ©Bill Simmons) and was unable to score on Carmelo’s lackluster defense in their regular season meetings.

I Won’t Be Complainin’

That is what will be happening if CP3 smokes Chauncey. By the way, Chauncey is averaging only 16 points and 5 assists in his four meetings with the Hornets and Chris Paul this year. This is also what will be happening if I get a seven game series out of this. They split the season series and in total the Nuggets outscored the Hornets by one point. I’m legitimately excited for this one and I think that the Hornets end up pulling the upset in Denver in game seven.

#3 San Antonio Spurs (54-28) vs. #6 Dallas Mavericks (50-32)
Song: They Don’t Really Care About Us

As the in-state battle takes a playoff stage, few people pay attention to it. Why? Well, the Mavs aren’t very good. Their best player isn’t even a starter, that same guy is their only legitimate bench player, their “star” is a notoriously un-clutch player, Jason Kidd is old, Antoine Wright starts on this team, and Josh Howard averaged only 12 points per game in last year’s playoffs. Then you have the Spurs. As much as the calendar does read an odd numbered year, the Spurs don’t have it this time. With GINOBILI! out and Duncan just old (look at his recent stats), they don’t have a chance for a deep run.

Situation, aggravation
Everybody allegation
In the suite, on the news

Paging Mark Cuban. Mark Cuban the NBA Playoffs will see you (too much) now. Let’s put it this way; if Mark Cuban doesn’t pull something during this series, I will be disappointed. I won’t spend time speculating what it will be, who will be involved, which refs he will punch after storming the court, or anything else. But I doubt that we can go through this series without hearing from him.

Beat me, hate me
You can never break me

This is what Ginobili and Bowen said in response to my hatred to them. Turns out… I was right. Ginobili is broken and Bruce Bowen is beaten. Neither is of any use in this series and that’s the way I like it. We all know I can’t stand the Spurs and the fact that they are going to start Matt Bonner and Michael Finley in playoff series in 2009 elates me to no end. Did I mention that their first player off the bench will be either Kurt Thomas, the aforementioned Bruce Bowen, or Ime Udoka? I love this.

They’re throwing me in a class with a bad name

To Roger Mason Jr. who I am sure dislikes being on a team that everybody hates. I feel bad for him in that way but am also kind of happy that he might learn from Tim Duncan and make a name for himself. This should be a very close series that could go either way. Remember how the Hornets and Nuggets split the season series as the Nuggets outscored the Hornets by one total point? Replace Nuggets with Spurs and Hornets with Mavericks and the same statement is true.

#4 Portland Trailblazers (54-28) vs. #5 Houston Rockets (53-29)
Song: Thriller

This is the best first round series. No, really. You may now “know” who “plays” for the “Rockets” or whatever, but those guys are a team. They work well together and might be a great story if they can win this series because they would face the Lakers and we would get to see an Artest/Kobe match-up that could lead to a mixture of friendly jesting and bloodshed. That’s always fun. Portland is a legitimate contender as well because they have a brutal home court advantage and Brandon Roy is the best player in the series.

‘Cause this is thriller, thriller night
And no one’s gonna save you from the beast about to strike

To Brandon Roy because when you walk into the Rose Garden and Brandon Roy is averaging 24/5/6 (points / rebounds / assists) and shooting 50/38/85 (field goal / three point / free throw) you are going to get hurt. The key is not letting the other individuals on Portland hurt you. The secret is that Portland doesn’t really play as a team. Steve Blake is a good NBA point guard who tries to get his teammates involved, but once the ball leaves his hands it doesn’t go back that often. They start Nicolas Batum who is learning not to shoot which will be helpful as he will be guarded by Shane Battier who is very likely to shut him down.

‘Cause this is thriller, thriller night
There ain’t no second chance against the thing with forty eyes

To Ron Artest because I’m convinced that you get exactly one chance to shut down Ron Artest. If you can shut him down in game one then he might struggle through the series. That, and Artest’s eyes are scary. Like, I’m not sure you’ve actually seen the looks that can come from the retinas of Mr. Artest, but trust me on the fact that they are potentially lethal. Artest can try to shut down Roy but I would predict that they trade off based on location. Artest tends to get pretty pumped up by the Houston crowd and can be dangerous from the three point line. Roy isn’t the best defender so that might go Artest’s way.

You hear the door slam and realize that there’s nowhere left to run
You feel the cold hand and wonder if you’ll ever see the sun

To Greg Oden because look, this is it. And I don’t mean that this is it for his career in a pass/fail kind of way. I mean that this is it as in the time when people are just going to expect you to produce. We all understand that there were injuries that weren’t really his fault. We understand that he’s a great guy. It’s just that his team is in the playoffs and facing Yao Ming. Don’t get me wrong, Joel Pryzbilla (the Vanilla Gorilla) is the starter, but fans want to see Oden. For the record the “cold hand” in the lyric is Yao Ming because people that are that tall have bad circulation. At least that’s what I’ve heard. Houston won two of three in the regular season and the one they lost was early in the season with T-Mac and before the trade. There is a ton of buzz surrounding Portland but I’m just not sure they can pull it off. I’m going to give this one to the Blazers based on home court and say it might go to OT in seven games.

Eastern Conference

#1 Cleveland Cavaliers (66-16) vs. #8 Detroit Pistons (39-43)
Song: Smooth Criminal

I think it’s pretty obvious why this is the song but just in case you aren’t that perceptive: LeBron James is very good. He also tends to do things that are physically impossible much like Michael does with the lean in the Smooth Criminal dance. He needed strings in the music video and patented shoes that clicked into the stage for live concerts whereas LeBron uses his alien genetics. Sounds about right. I should point out that the Pistons have literally no chance of winning this series. Vegas has the Cavs -3800. If you don’t understand how staggering that is you might want to find out for fun.

He Came Into Her Apartment
He Left The Bloodstains On The Carpet
She Ran Underneath The Table
He Could See She Was Unable
So She Ran Into The Bedroom
She Was Struck Down, It Was Her Doom

To… LeBron James. I think this is an accurate description of the last time Mr. James visited the Palace of Auburn Hills in a playoff scenario. If you are wondering about the “she” running underneath the table, that’s Tayshaun Prince fleeing LeBron’s wrath. In case people don’t remember, LeBron scored the Cavs last 25 points and the Pistons might as well have been playing with their hands tied behind their backs. We’re just going to move on…

Sounding Heartbeats – Intimidations

To the Cavs fans and their arena which is impossible to play in. If the Cavs hadn’t rested 4 of their 5 starters the other night, they would have finished 40-1 at home with the only loss coming to the Lakers. So, don’t go in there and expect to win. Or compete. Or not wet yourself. Or whatever.

Okay, I Want Everybody To Clear The Area Right Now!

To LeBron James for every time he attacks the basket with no regard to human life. OK, that was weak. You have to understand that Smooth Criminal has very few words. Most of them are completely erroneous to basketball references and the ones that aren’t were in the first two quotes. Bottom line, LeBron is a Smooth Criminal. I’m not sure this is a four game series, but it’s not a six.

#2 Boston Celtics (62-20) vs. #7 Chicago Bulls (41-41)
Song: Billie Jean

Billie Jean is a song about deception. At the core of this series we have two teams (as in every series). The Celtics are supposedly without Kevin Garnett. This is a bad thing. KG is the heart and soul of this team and can only do so much from the bench. Without him, are the Celtics good? Yes. But are they playoff good disguised as good? Maybe. Then we have the Bulls. The team started off as a wreck. They made trade that ended up helping them. They took a chance on a coach that will obviously be fired at the end of the season. But they finished 14-6. Are they kinda good? Yes. But are they good disguised as kinda good? Maybe. They won a late season game (post trade, minus KG) versus the Celts in Chi-town. Fluke? Maybe.

I Said Don’t Mind, But What Do You Mean I Am The One

To Rajon Rondo because he is now the third wheel in the Big Three. Well, for this series at least. Early this season Rondo dished out 15 assists and only shot three time as the Celts beat the Bulls. In the meeting late and without KG, Rondo took advantage of how much quicker he was than Derrick Rose. He shot 9/16, went to the line 11 times and scored 26 points. Rose can’t guard him. The Celtics need to remember that Pierce and Salmons getting into a one-on-one scoring match is not to their advantage. Last time they played neither played defense and Salmons outscored him 38-37 on less shots.

Then Every Head Turned With Eyes That Dreamed Of Being The One

To the Bulls for not having a star player. Luol Deng was supposed to be a star player… John Salmons takes as many shots as a star player sometimes… Joakim Noah, Ben Gordan, and Kirk Hinrich were star players in college… Derrick Rose will be a star player… but they don’t actually have one. This is interesting because in a playoff atmosphere it sometimes pays to have a star but in this case it might be better so that the Celtics don’t have a guy to focus their defense on. Somebody is going to have to take charge. My personal pick would be nobody because none of these guys are really that good.

People Always Told Me Be Careful Of What You Do

To the Celtics because they don’t want a repeat of last year when they needed seven games to handle the Hawks. This is not to argue that the Bulls are as good as last year’s Hawks (they’re not), but more to argue that this year’s Celtics are nowhere near as good as last year’s Celtics. If I were the Celtics, I’d let Rondo beat the crap out of Rose until the Bulls need to go to zone to contain all the driving and then have Rondo kick to Pierce, Ray, and House. Under no circumstances should the Bulls get into a fast paced game with the Bulls as they don’t have anybody to contain Rose on the break. I think the Celtics win this one in six games with a couple of scary moments along the way.

#3 Orlando Magic (59-22) vs. #6 Philadelphia 76ers (41-41)
Song: Bad

The song is bad because the series is bad. There. That was easy. Is it that bad? Not really. But the Magic aren’t going to lose the series and neither team is that exciting to watch. This is one of those series where I may only watch one game unless it goes to 6 or 7. I don’t think that will happen but you never know I guess. The Magic swept the season series from the Sixers, which is rare for a first round match-up. The problem has really been that the Sixers have pretty much nothing to beat the Magic with. They normally just try to out-athlete their opponent but between the Magic running a decent break and just scoring more than the Sixers can handle, Philly just can’t beat them.

I know your game
What you’re about

To the Sixers because we all know what they are about. Their strategies to win a game consist of Andre Miller throwing alley-oops to Andre Iguodala and… that’s it. Well, that’s not really true. Thaddeus Young and Willie Green throw the alley-oops sometimes. No, but seriously, they can run a bit, due to the athletes on the team, but that’s the end of their repertoire. It’s hard to win a seven game series if the other team knows your stuff.

Well they say the sky’s the limit
And to me that’s really true

This one goes out to Dwight Howard, you know, ’cause he jumps high and stuff. Surprisingly enough, the Sixers have kept DHo fairly quiet in the season series and held his averages to 16 points and 10 boards. Samuel Dalembert is a pretty good defender and is most of the reason for this. The other major reason is that the Sixers can’t defend the perimeter and against a team like the Magic their general game plan is to let the Magic shoot and hope they miss. Therefore, the Magic barely throw the ball down to Howard and instead opt to just pull up for jumpers. The thing is though, that in the playoffs, you sometimes find that the pressure throws off your outside shooting and you must go down low. If this ends up being the case, which it inevitably will be in at least one game in the series, look for Superman to take over in the paint.

Gonna hurt your mind
Don’t shoot to kill

I hate to say this but; Magic, please don’t waste your best stuff here. I don’t mean that you should play down to your opponent, I mean that you can win in five games by ten or by twenty and it would be best if you had some of the good stuff left for when you face the Celtics in the next round. Chances are that you didn’t expect to be in the Eastern Conference Finals at any point until this week when you heard that KG was out. Don’t screw this up. You are headed for a show down against the Celtics. Don’t use your best stuff, but get this done quickly. I don’t want to hear that the Celts had 3 more days rest than you and that’s why you lost. I’m going to take the Magic in five and hope they can pull that off.

#4 Atlanta Hawks (47-35) vs. #5 Miami Heat (43-39)
Song: Beat It

The song is Beat It because it’s a song about being tough. Not nessesarily the best, or the smartest, but the toughest and most willing to man up. That’s what this series is about. The Heat are tough because Dwyane Wade will not let them lose this series. The Hawks are tough because of the array of guys on their roster that are tough: Joe Johnson, Marvin Williams, Mike Bibbby, Al Horford, and, of course, Josh Smith. Nobody here is going down without a fight. This series will go in six games. I can’t decide who will win, but I’m going with six games.

They told him don’t you ever come around here
Don’t wanna see your face, you better disappear
The fire’s in their eyes and their words are really clear
So beat it, just beat it

This is a preemptive warning to Dwyane Wade. If you venture into the lane in this series, you may get disfigured. I feel this provides you with ample time to adjust your game plan so that you can accommodate the rules set forth by the team from Atlanta. But seriously, the Hawks are aware that they are a fairly even match for the Heat. They are also aware that if Dwyane Wade does not drive on every play their lives would be a lot easier. This will lead them to do extreme things to keep him out of the lane. After considering dipping him in concrete and sicking a few boar hounds on him, this is what they came up with. Wade should be happy if you think about it.

You better run, you better do what you can
Don’t wanna see no blood, don’t be a macho man
You wanna be tough, better do what you can
So beat it, but you wanna be bad

To the other Heat players especially Michael Beasley. Look, you guys are not Dwyane Wade. The refs don’t love you. You guys could get thrown out of games. This would be detrimental to your progress in your quest for the NBA Championship. Here’s what you should do: make the open shots that Dwyane Wade provides for you. This is crucial to you winning the series. If Wade is playing one-on-five, you won’t win the war. You might win the battle if he scores 50 in a game or maybe even two, but not the series. Be smart, don’t try to be macho men.

No one wants to be defeated
Showin’ how funky and strong is your fight

To both teams because we understand that nobody is going to go down easily. That’s just the 4/5 match-up for you. Both teams are prepared to show off their funkiest stuff to come out on top as well. Miami wants to play with no center and try to have Wade drive the ball down the ATL’s throats? Sure. Try it. Atlanta wants to change the game plan to just bombing three pointers because it might work? Why not try that for a quarter. For this series, each coach (neither of which is that great) is going to have to pull out all the stops to win. That’s what I like about this series. As much as I want to take the Hawks, I’m taking the Heat because I don’t think that the Hawks can contain the Flash. Heat in six.

Guyinthecorner is an author here at spartyandfriends.com. He writes the NBA section, X-Games section, and contributes to College Basketball and MLB. He doesn’t watch hockey except when the circumstances are dire. He’s not sure how to rate Michael Phelps on the scale of athletes not only because he doesn’t directly compete against people, but because he is a fish. He doesn’t understand the hate for the 2002 National Champion Maryland Terrapins and wishes everybody would just shut up by now. He is known for having statistical formulas and might be Bill James or Joe Lunardi depending on who you ask. His identity is as hidden as many times over as the number of internet memes he employs in his comments. Some have called him “The Riddler.” He can be reached at gitc@spartyandfriends.com. “GITC” is an acronym for guyinthecorner in case you aren’t that perceptive.

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