The recent arrest of Ryan Leaf, the ongoing legal issues for Donté Stallworth and Plaxico Burress, and the release of  Mike Vick from jail got us thinking here at Sparty & Friends.  Could we put together a team that could compete on the playing field solely made up of guys that have had serious arrests and/or convictions with the law?  We disregarded misdemeanor marijuana possession because then it would make it waaaaaay too easy.

This scientific polling of players was completed through an 80+ email thread.

Offense

Quarterback- Mike Vick.  Is this really a surprise to any of you? Remember something, he didn’t go to jail because of dog-fighting. One could argue that our backup for Vick should be given the chance to start, since he was the original gambler.

Backup QB – Art Schlichter.  This guy is friggin’ winner. Actually he wasn’t. Probably why he ended up getting busted. Schlichter gambled away almost all of his salaries from the NFL, the Arena League, and even radio. He forged checks, bounced checks, and even got busted gambling while in jail. He even tried to have someone smuggle a cell phone into his cell so he could place bets. I bet you never heard of a gambler put in solitary confinement until you heard of Art Schlichter.

Running Back – OJ Simpson. (CAPTAIN)  As if we really need to discuss this.  Funny thing, his name didn’t even come up for about an hour.

Wide Receiver – Rae Carruth. This wonderful former fist round pick of the Carolina Panthers

Rae Carruth

was found guilty of conspiracy to murder of his girlfriend. A swell guy indeed.  His girlfriend was also six months pregnant at the time, causing an emergency c-section to save the life of the child.  They were able to spare the child’s life, but being born 3 months prematurely and in distress led to the child being born with Cerebral Palsy.  Because he was never found guilty of murder, he was spared the death penalty and he is to be released in 2018. Hopefully some dude named Tiny made him his bedtime friend.

Wide Receiver – Michael Irvin.  Hey, we said nothing about cocaine.  Irvin didn’t have to serve any hard time, as he was able to just get slapped with a fine, probation, and community service. However, being a dude and showing up to court in a mink coat makes you a complete douchebag.  Irvin also allegedly inflicted a two-inch cut in the neck of Dallas guard Everett McIver. No charges were ever pressed, but it is rumored that Irvin gave him a shitload of money to squash the issue. He has had several small run-ins with the law since his playing days, but nothing as fun as his days in Big D.

Wide Receiver – Mark Ingram. $3000.00 in counterfeit cash, stolen credit card, breaking and entering, stealing a purse and more credit cards, bank fraud, money laundering, and failure to turn himself in so he could watch his son play in the SEC title game. That’s a nice list. I forgive him, because he had the play of the game in Super Bowl 25. 3rd and 13 baby.

Wide Receiver – Lance Rentzel. This dude just liked showing his junk off to little kids. Twice he was nailed for the same offense. The first time, he had been charged with disorderly conduct and was ordered to seek psychiatric treatment. The 2nd time, he showed his twig and berries to a 10-year-old.

Offensive Tackle – Bryant McKinnie. His only arrest took place last year when he decided to throw down at a Miami night club. He was charged with aggravated batter, disorderly conduct and resisting arrest. However, you might also remember him for the famous Minnesota Vikings Boat Party Scandal. Although he wasn’t charged with anything, the incident doesn’t help his image.

Guard – Nate Newton. Good Ol’ Nate just didn’t get busted for pot. He got busted for 213 lbs of pot. Only a few weeks later, he would be busted for 175lbs of weed. Since serving time, Nate has not been caught. Seems to be a nice theme with Cowboys.

My meds make me sleepy

Center – Barrett Robbins. What a mess this character was. One could easily just blame all he has done on a diagnosis of bi-polar disorder, but we are not willing to let him off that easily. He was one of the names listed as receiving PEDs from BALCO, and was charged with attempted murder after a brawl with police officers. He would end up pleading guilty to the charge along with others.

Guard – Todd Burger. Burger played a pretty uneventful career in the NFL – only 40 games - but he was busted for illegal gambling a couple years ago. Guys, stop gambling!

Offensive Tackle – Nick Kaczur. This is one of our favorites. The former Patriot was busted for having possession of OxyContin without a Rx. To avoid jail time, he turned on the dealer, wearing a wire tap for the DEA. They would end up busting the guy and he would plead guilty.

Defense

Defensive Line – Tank Johnson. Jeebus…where to begin.  How about we start with the guilty plea for the misdemeanor possession of a handgun outside of a Chicago nightclub in ‘05 followed by the raid on Johnson’s house in December, ‘06 which turned up six more unregistered firearms (a clear probation violation) along with some weed on his buddy/bodyguard Willie Posey.  Then, just two days later, Tank and Posey were involved in a fight at another Chicago nightclub and Posey was killed.  The final straw that got Tank released from the bears was his traffic stop in Arizona where he was accused of driving impaired and actually arrested for “DUI Impaired to the Slightest Degree”…even though it turns out that Johnson’s blood alcohol level ended up being within legal limits.  Fittingly, Tank now plays for the Bengals.

Defensive Line – Larry Bethea. This dude’s tale has no semblance of a happy ending…suicide.  After 6 years with the ‘Boys, Bethea bounced around the USFL for a minute before stealing $64k from his mom.  Just a few months after he was given a suspended 4-year prison sentence and probation for the mom-theft, Bethea was identified as the suspect in two armed robberies.  He promptly walked behind a friend’s house and ended his life.

Defensive Line – Harvey Martin. “Too Mean” Martin’s legal troubles (domestic violence, bankruptcy, substance abuse) didn’t really come to light until after his football days were over.   Martin pounded drugs and alcohol throughout the ’80’s and hit rock bottom in ‘96 when he spent some time in the slammer for domestic violence and cocaine charges.  He did end up turning his life around and remained sober until he died at the end of ‘01 from pancreatic cancer.

Linebacker – Hollywood Henderson. By the ripe old age of 28, Hollywood had been cut from the ‘Boys for his drug use.  He must’ve decided that wasn’t enough trouble so he served 28 months in the pen for smoking crack cocaine with two teenage girls, threatening them with a .38-caliber pistol, sexually assaulting one of them, and holding them against their will.  Brilliant.  Henderson is clean and sober today, and rich as hell.  Having very little to his name since his playing career, Henderson would end up winning the lottery.  No, that isn’t a imagery.  He actually won the lottery.  All $28 million in the Texas lottery.  He’s a cool dude.

Linebacker – Lawrence Taylor. LT was disciplined enough to curb his appetite for drugs for 5 years after failing a second drug test and earning a 30 day suspension in the league.  Once he approached retirement, the coke game was back on.  Oh, he also claimed to have regularly spent thousands of dollars a day on his drug habit and that he sent prostitutes to rival players’ hotel rooms the night before a game to tire them out.  He must’ve listened to Mickey…”Women weaken legs!”

Linebacker – Eric Naposki. It’s only 15 years after the fact, but the former UConn star has recently been charged in a cold case murder for financial gain.  He was allegedly the trigger man in the killing.

Linebacker – Ray Lewis. Lewis’ only official conviction pertains to his douchebaggery.  However, we can’t forget the indictments for murder and aggravated assault stemming from a fight with rapper Chino Nino’s entourage that resulted in two of Nino’s boyz getting knifed in 2000 after a Super Bowl party in the ATL.  Ray Ray plead out to a misdemeanor charge of obstruction of justice in exchange for his testimony.

Cornerback – Pacman Jones. Arrests and charges for disorderly conduct, public intoxication, obstruction of justice, marijuana possession, coercion, etc…oh, and that little ‘07 “Making it rain” incident at Minxx in Vegas that left a bouncer with a couple of bullet holes in him and a club owner partially paralyzed.

Cornerback – Dwayne Goodrich. Ol’ Dee-Wayne is currently residing in the pokey, waiting out a 7-1/2 year prison sentence from his ‘03 conviction on two counts of vehicular homicide.  He was involved in a hit and run on a Dallas freeway when he struck and killed two guys who were helping rescue a man from a burning vehicle.

Safety – Eugene Robinson. “It’s like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife…”  Robinson’s

Busted 2 nights in a row

story is a rather funny one.  The morning of Super Bowl XXXIII, he was awarded the Bart Starr Award from Athletes in Action for his high moral character.  That night, ho offered a prostitute $40 for a beej…except that it was actually an undercover female cop.  Oops!

Safety – Sean Taylor. This will possibly tweak a nerve with a certain NBA-centric writer here…Taylor had multiple run-ins with the law before his death.  First up was the DUI arrest in Virginia.  Next came the charge of felony aggravated assault and misdemeanor battery in Miami in which Taylor bought his way out of jail time by making a deal with the prosecution that reduced a possible 16-year prison sentence to community service hours and 10, $1000 scholarships to Florida schools.

Kicker – Sebastian Janikowski. The almost annual bar fights while in college: charges of failure to leave the premises, battery, and bribing an officer.  Appropriately, the Raiders drafted Sebastian.  Facing deportation, he was acquitted of the bribery charges…and took all of 8 days to be re-arrested, this time on suspicion of felony possession of the drug GHB.  Then came the DUI and resultant 3 years of probation followed by another fight at a food consumption joint.

Coach – Bill Belichick. Spy Gate, Adultery Gate, and Dickhead Gate…’nough said.

Dishonorable Mention: Jeremy Stevens, Mark Chumura, Donte Stallworth, Plaxico Burress, Charles Rogers, Todd Marinovich, Cecil Collins, Najeh Davenport, Lawrence Phillips, Fred Smoot, Santonio Holmes,  Every Cincinatti Bengal that wasn’t mentioned, and a slew of Dallas Cowboys.

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