Even though the Old Farmer’s Almanac says the official “dog days of summer” are the 40 day period between July 3 and August 11, I feel like they’ve already begun.  Why?  Because there isn’t dogshit on tv right now in the way of real competition*.  Sure, there’s beisbol on all. the. freakin’. time.  And, that’s not even real competition.  It’s approximately 48 cumulative seconds of balls being thrown around and occassionally – very occassionally – being hit with a stick, all strung out over around a 4-hour time period.  Jam an ice pick into my carotid right effing now.  Please.

How’s that for an opening to a baseball post!?  Oh, and beisbol is ghey.

I’ll get to a few of the previous days scores in just a sec; but I did a little recon work about the historical significance of today’s date in America’s (former) Pasttime and I’d like to share the fruits of my labor with you.  Come to find out, June 2 carries some significant historical significance in baseball history.
 - 1935: Babe Ruth retired.
 - 1941: Lou Gehrig died of ALS (a.k.a. Lou Gehrig’s disease…but not until after he died from it).
 - 1942: Ted Williams enlisted with the U.S. Navy.
 - 1987: Ken Griffey Jr was selecet #1 overall by the Seattle Mariners.

What’s most impressive about that list is that I did that research all on my own.  By the way, I hope you guys weren’t listening to Mike and Mike in the Morning between about 6:14 and 6:21 this morning.

Yankees 5, Indians 2 – The Yanks won yesterday and the Red Socks didn’t.  Therefore, the Red Socks suck!  Some significant things happened as a result of this game.  First, the Yanks recorded a 0 in the Error column of the box score for the 18th straight game - a new MLB record.  Congrats, guys.  You appropriately did your job without screwing up for a period of time spanning approximately 10% of your season.  This would be like a NFL team not turning the ball over for two consecutive games.  And, it’s exactly like that, so don’t try to tell me why that’s a stupid comparison in the comments by inventing/reciting some obscure stat like VORP, WHIP, or GHEY.  Second, Derek Jeter became the fourth player in major league history to total 2,600 hits, 200 home runs and 1,000 RBIs in his first 15 seasons.  At what point do these stats stop saying “in his first XX seasons”?  Seriously, the d00d’s been playing for 15 years.  It’s not like he’s gonna take a break and then come back for a second 15 seasons…especially considering that raging case of Herpes he’s fighting.  Third, and finally, no bugs flew in Joba Chamberlain’s ears.  Yeah, yeah…the Indians played too.

Astros 4, Rockies 1 – By leaving the game with a lead after the 7th inning to someone not named Brad Lidge, pitcher Roy Oswalt improved to 97-34 in games on June 1 or later. I effing love baseball stats.  Similar to the Jeter stat above, they just get so incredibly ridiculous with their specificity.  Did you know that for his career, between July 3 and August 2, Todd Helton has a BA of 0.515, is 35 for 37 in SB’s, and never been caught picking his nose on live tv?  I bet you didn’t know that…partially because I made it up.  I’ve got another funny stat for you: the Astros have won three of their last four after losing seven straight.   Congratulations, Houston; you’re 3-8 in your last 11 games.  I didn’t make that one up.

Fillies 5, Fathers 3 – Ryan Howard did what he does best: hit 1 home run and struck out 4 times in 5 plate appearances.  That’s really good, right?  In comparison, the Padres stepped up to the plate 30 times and struck out 6.  Looking at the box score, I count 4 players who participated in this game and are hitting better than 0.300 on the season, with Raul Ibanez of the Phillies leading the way at 0.333.  Awesome.

Orioles 1, Mariners 0 – Pitcher’s duel!  More from the department of contrived beisbol stats: Ichiro became the fifth player in the last 30 years with two hitting streaks of more than 25 games. That sound you hear is me banging my head on my desk.

Pirates 8, Metropolitans 5 – When in need of a confidence boost, play the Mets.  Here’s the formula:  lay back for a little while and have your pitchers throw underhanded a few times so the Mets can build somewhere around a 4-run lead.  Then, just when the Mets look comfy and thinking there’s no way their bullpen can blow a lead that big, holler over to David Wright that you ran into his boyfriend the other day at FAO Schwarz and promptly score 5 in the bottom of the 8th to take the lead for good.  Confidence boosted; works every time.  By the way, am I supposed to offer congratulations to Andy LaRoche for hitting his first triple in 475 at bats?  Seriously, if that was me, and I’d been up to the plate 474 times before and never hit a 3 banger, I’d just stop at 2nd so no one would ever even think to look up the last time I hit a triple and realize I’d had 474 previous opportunities and couldn’t get it done.

Swingers who swung:
1) Joe Thurston (St. Louis Cardinals): 3-for-3, 1 Runs, 2 2B, 0 SO, 1 BB
2) Colby Rasmus (St. Louis Cardinals): 3-for-4, 2 Runs, 1 HR, 1 RBI, 1 2B, 0 SO
3) Wilson Valdez (New York Mets): 2-for-4, 1 Run, 3 RBI, 1, 3B, 1 2B, 0 SO

Chuckers who chucked:
1) Rich Hill (Baltimore Orioles): 7 IP, 2 Hits, 3 BB, 7 SO, 0 ER, WINNER!
2) Joba Chamberlain (New York Yankees): 8 IP, 4 Hits, 2 BB, 5 SO, 2 ER, WINNER!
3) Billy Buckner (Arizona Diamondbacks): 6 IP, 4 Hits, 2 BB, 5 SO, 0 ER, WINNER!

*And don’t even mention hockey…never heard of it.

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