Ahhhhh…beisbol.  Isn’t it delightful!?  There were 14 games yesterday, only 5 of which had a combined final score that reached double digits.  Of the 9 games and 18 teams that played in those games where they couldn’t at least combine for double digit runs, there were 7 games that couldn’t score more than 7 runs combined.  Conclusion: beisbol is booooooring.

But we already knew that, no?  Follow me after the jump and we’ll talk about some of the “action” from yesterday.

Jake Peavy destroyed the BIG BLOCKBUSTER TRADE(!!!!) by exercising his no-trade clause.  Smart man.  I would most definitely give up 5-10% of my potential salary if it meant having the final say in whether I was shipped off to another city or not.  Jake sent me the gchat with his wife Katie that helped him make up his mind:

Peaved (this is Jake, by the way) : hey babe.  I’m having trouble deciding whether I should take this trade to the White Sox or not.
Pretty Peavy (this is Katie, by the way): that’s in Chicago, right?
Peaved: yeah…what do you think?
Pretty Peavy: hmmmmm…let me think about this aloud for a second.  we live in San Diego…the weather’s nice, really nice.  we could live in Chicago…I heard they had nice weather that one time.  you’d have to get an endorsement for Sun In for me to keep this look there.  strike one. 
by the way, is that AJ Pierzuglydumbass still playing for the White Sox? 
Peaved: you’re right, strike two.
Pretty Peavy: what about the manager…Ozzie something, right?
Peaved: yeah, Ozzie Guillen.
Pretty Peavy:  what are the odds he gropes me at least once in the first week?
Peaved: you’re right, strike three.

You heard it here first.

Speaking of the White Sox…Minnesota Twins 20, Chicago White Socks 1 – After getting kicked in the jewels by Peavy, the White Socks got punched in the throat by the Twins.  The 19 run differential was the worst loss in White Socks history and it was only the 4th time in the last 50 years that the franchise had given up at least 20 runs.  Yes, I did the research.  By the way, is there a better 1-2 punch in beisbol than Justin Mauer and Joe Morneau?

New York Yankees 7, Baltimore Orioles 4 – Joba Chamberlain pussy’d out of the first inning with a bruised knee but the Bronx Bankers came to the rescue with 7 runs on 9 hits while the O’s could only bring in 4 runs on 12 hits.  Way to go.  The Yankees won their 9th straight game and are having more fun than evar(!!!) in the clubhouse as they hold kangaroo court and fine everything from Damon’s close-talking ($75) to A-Rod’s dating a broomstick with blonde hair ($10,000,000) to Jeter’s inability to keep from getting his herpes all over everything (actually, they pay him for this).  Good times.  What will it take to beat the Yanks?  Hey Mikey, can we get another counter widget thingee that counts down until the next YANK$ VS. SAWX(!!!) game?

Detroit Tigers 4, Walker Texas Rangers 3 – The Tigers are on a little winning streak of their own, which they extended to 6 games last night.  When asked to comment on the game, Rangers manager Ron Washington opined, “We just got beat.”  Brilliant!  Oh, and only in beisbol does hilarity ensue when a reserve hurler busts out the Disney Princesses backpack.

Colorado Rockies 9, Atlanta Braves 0 – Braves suck.  /True story

Philadelphia Phillies 12, Cincinnati Reds 5 – The 1-through-4 hitters for the Fillies went 10-for-20 last night…a superb performance by baseball standards and an F (F as in Fillies) in the rest of the world.  Apparently, they were gearing up for their upcoming interleague series against the Yankees in the hitter-friendly dimensions of the Reds’ ballpark.  Mark my words – Ryan Howard will strike out at least three times every game, strand a minimum of 4 teammates on base each game, and emerge from the series near the top of the race for the MVP.

Here’s your other scores from yesterday.  You’re welcome.

Guys who did a good job swinging the stick that’s prolly filled with cork:
1) David Murphy (Texas): 3-for-3, 1 HR, 1RBI, 2 BB
2) Joe Mauer (Minnesota): 3-for-4, 1 HR, 6 RBI
3) Todd Helton (Colorado): 3-for-5, 1 HR, 5 RBI (GO VOLS!!)

Guys who threw the sphere that’s prolly covered in spit and mutilated by sandpaper and razor blades:
1) Aaron Cook (Colorado): 9 IP, 4 hits, 0 ER, 1 BB, 3 SO, WINNER!!
2) Adam Wainwright (St. Louis): 8-2/3 IP, 5 hits, 1 ER, 1 BB, 7 SO, WINNER!!
3) Nick Blackburn (Twins): 7 IP, 4 hits, 0 ER, 3 BB, 2 SO, WINNER!!

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