The 133rd season of Major League Baseball is upon us. Over the past month and half, we have been taking a look at each ball club’s upcoming season, leading up to the Expert Predictions of the esteemed staff at Sparty & Friends. We have previewed each team, from worst to first. Today, we wrap up our previews with the World Series winner Philadelphia Phillies.  Writer/Editor at www.majorleaguejerk.com, not to mention good friend and Sparty Award Winner, RomanWarHelmet has agreed to give us his take on the Phillies.  Being a diehard Mets fan and city of Philly hater, we’re sure his analysis will be objective, accurate, and professional…or at least entertaining.  Take it away, Roman.

And it was said, God smote the Earth with the most vile, insidious sort of evil He could create. He threw this mighty thunderbolt of refuse and filth towards the Earth and decreed thee Philadelphia. “May it poison the Earth with it’s awfulness and douchebaggery” – Tibineous 13:45 Book of Truths and Actual Happenings: King James Version of the Bible.

I am not one for quoting scripture, but when Sparty asked for a preview of the World Champion Philadelphia Phillies, I felt it appropriate. I am a fan of the Metropolitan Baseball Club of New York and the Phillies and their fans are my rivals. The Phillie fans only really care for the Phillies because they are front runners waiting for Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb to fuck them over during the football season. The only minor joy I take out of the Phillies winning the title is that in the black hearts of the Philadelphian, they truly yearned for it to be the Eagles. It won’t happen assholes. Enjoy watching a classy franchise operate in big boy territory up the Turnpike.

Well this is not a football preview…this is all about baseball and I promised Sparty and his “Friends” that I would give the most objective 2009 preview I could. So let us breakdown the Phillies for those who don’t know, are curious, or are looking whether to wager over or under on 87.5 wins. (Thanks Vegas!)

The Rotation:

Cole Hamels arm will blow out by July 1st. I am excited for it. Well, not really. This douchebag is actually nice to watch. But in truth, when he is not being their best pitcher, he will be hurt. He has done this every year, and I don’t see it stopping now, especially after throwing more innings than he ever has. Brett Myers spent the winter beating his wife and getting that pitching arm stronger then ever. Nothing says Philadelphia like a wife-beater being a fan favorite. If he is what he can be, he is a solid two; but I am hoping for another lost season spent going back to the minors. Jamie Moyer is old. I would say he is slowing down but he has been slow his entire career. I am still baffled by his effectiveness. He is a light tossing lefty topping out at 80MPH. That’s Batting Practice. Fuck. Joe Blanton will continue his mediocre career as the fourth starter. JA Happ will be the 5th starter and he is OK-to-shitty. They have guys like Chan Ho Park to make spot starts if need be. Whoopdie Damn Doo.

The Bullpen:

Brad Lidge had the season of his life last year. You know what that means? Let Down! W00t! I am not expecting a total shit show like when he blew that game to PooHoles and sucked for two years but if he would have blown two games and the Mets blew the 26 games they did last year, the Mets beat the Phillies. Remember that assholes. The Met bullpen was epically bad. They collapsed and blew more games than anyone and the Phillies beat them out by one game. That isn’t something to hang your hats on you child-molesting-asshamers. Well, Lidge’s demise and the suspension of super cheater JC Romero, who got a 50 game suspension, leaves this bullpen weak and susceptible. They over paid Ryan Madson, who is OK at best. They traded Ronny Paulino for Jack Taschner, which will be a mistake. They have Chan Ho Park who is serviceable and Chad Durbin who is not. Scott Eyre is still collecting a paycheck. Guys like Clay Condrey and Gary Majewski are looking to make the team and help it lose.

The Lineup:

Things perked up for the Phillies when Chase Utley used HGH to get himself ready for Opening Day when it was thought he would be back in June from the surgery on his hip that was deteriorating due to a decade of steroid abuse.* With Utley back, they are a very formidable lineup. At the top is Jimmy Rollins - a cockbag - who is a good shortstop. Then they have Jayson Werth, who is one of those guys who gets it done. I can’t even knock him. I like him. He is a good hitter and good role player. Then Uncle Cholly puts together a manager with one lefty in the pen’s wet dream, Utley, Ryan Howard and the ancient Raul Ibanez 3-4-5. I have seen Pedro Feliciano make Utley and Howard look bad so the addition of Ibanez and the removal of Met Killer Pat Burrell makes me happy. Really, let’s over pay for a poor fielding 36-year-old lefty bat in a shit economy. Let’s downgrade the lineup in the process. Well done, Ruben Amaro Jr! You are Steve Phillips 2.0 OK; Shane Victorino fits in somewhere in the 6 spot for some reason known only to God. Followed by “4 Hits a Month” Pedro Feliz and the catcher who is either Carlos Ruiz or Chris Coste. This lineup is good. It will score runs but has been known to fall into pretty deep lulls, especially when Utley gets his mid-Summer injury and Ryan Howard falls asleep for two months.

The Defense:

Defensively this team is meh. Up the middle it is strong, but I am looking to see Utley get his range back from hip surgery. I can’t stress enough how a 30-year-old with hip issues and 5 years left on his contract is not a good thing. This year should be OK. Rollins can pick it as well as Victorino. Pedro Feliz is good at third and Coste and Ruiz are adequate. Ryan Howard is hideous at first and he can’t throw the ball to second to save his life. Werth is awkward in right and Ibanez has highlight reels on Youtube displaying his outfield ineptitude. He makes Pat the Bat look like Barry Bonds (pre-roids) in left.

Overview:

Uncle Cholly is a shitty game manager who knows his team and his team likes him. I get it. Davey Johnson is a fucktard as a game manager but every team he spends more than 2 weeks with plays well for him. Player’s managers get good results for a time. Ruben Amaro Jr. is looking to make his stamp with this team. Mark my words, he will ruin it. He has it in him. I look forward to it. I think this team will win 89-90 games, though. They will not win the NL East – the Mets will – but they will get a Wild Card and hopefully get beat in the NLCS by the Mets. When the Mets go on to win the World Series, I am sure they will not mention you like you all made sure to mention the Mets. The Phillie inferiority complex is cute. In their heart of hearts, they know that their fans could give two shits about them and once Training Camp rolls around they are an afterthought.

* All of this is a wild accusation based on my own opinion. If this was majorleaguejerk.com, I would never even put myself in this situation, but I have no problem with Sparty & Friends dealing with the Liable suit.

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