The 133rd season of Major League Baseball is upon us. Over the next month and half, we will be taking a look at each ball club, leading up to the Expert Predictions of the esteemed staff at Sparty & Friends. We will be previewing each team, from worst to first. Today, we turn our attention to the home of the reigning Super Bowl Champion Steelers, unemployed factory workers… and really nothing else.

I am honored to be the first non-Spartan-affiliated author to post during the MLB Preview season.  I’d like to thank the other authors for caring so little about the Pirates that I was able to volunteer and claim this esteemed position.  Is that enough sucking up?  Ok, let’s get into it.

Eighteen months ago, I was living in Pittsburgh. I tried to like the city. I tried to like the people. I even (God help me) tried to like the baseball team. Since I’m a lifelong fan of a team who claims the Steelers as mortal enemies, I knew there was no chance I’d convert my NFL allegiances, so I figured I’d give the Pirates a shot as my “adopted” NL team. I mean, they’ve got a brand new stadium, and a rich history of World Series appearances and cocaine binges; sounds like my kind of team – how bad could it be?

I had no idea. In my short stay in The Burgh I came to realize just how terrible of an existence a true Pirates’ fan leads. It even led me to write a post back on my old website called “Why you don’t support a real baseball team”. The Pittsburgh Pirates haven’t been a “real baseball team” since a certain left-fielder departed for greener pastures and a home field closer to his best buddies at BALCO. In case you’re counting… that’s 16 straight losing seasons now, from 1992-2008. It doesn’t look like they’ll be breaking that streak in 2009.

Last Season: 67-95 (6th place in the NL Central)

Who’s Gone: SS Chris Gomez (FA), RF Jason Michaels (FA), 1B Doug Mientkewicz (FA), 2B Luis Rivas (FA)

Who’s New: RP Denny Bautista (Re-Signed), LF Emil Brown (FA), RF Eric Hinske (FA), LF Jeff Salazar (FA), 3B Ramon Vasquez, 1B Adam LaRoche (Re-Signed)

Projected Lineup:

1.Nyjer Morgan (LF)

2.Freddy Sanchez (2B)

3.Nate McLouth (CF)

4.Ryan Doumit (C)

5.Adam LaRoche (1B)

6.Brandon Moss (RF)

7.Andy LaRoche (3B)

8.Jack Wilson (SS)

9.Pitcher du jour

Projected Rotation:

LHP Paul Maholm

RHP Ian Snell

LHP Zach Duke

LHP Tom Gorzelanny

RHP Ross Ohlendorf

CL Matt Capps

Key Bench Players:

Eric Hinske (OF/INF)

Craig Monroe (OF)

Manager: John Russell

Lineup Outlook – Surprisingly enough, the team has a handful of young players that have proven they can hit major league pitching. Just not at the same time. Freddy Sanchez was the NL Batting Champ just three years ago with a .344 in 2006. Adam LaRoche, Ryan Doumit, Nate McLouth and Brandon Moss all have 30-HR potential, but none has ever reached that mark in a season.

Unfortunately for Pirates fans, the teams’ business plan is simple – don’t buy, sell high. Look at that list of “Who’s Gone”. For most teams, it would seem like a win that the biggest piece they lost from last years’ roster was a 37-year old shortstop in Gomez or a 34-year old backup first baseman in Doug Mientkewicz. But for the Pirates, these are major players.

They don’t sign free agents. The only time they make trades is in a player’s walk year or when they can get an inordinate haul of prospects in return (see Bay, Jason). The Pirates are trying to copy the Marlins model for success – build an extremely young, extremely cheap team, then hope everything comes together at the same time so they can sell off players and start over again.

Starting Rotation – This rotation would probably tear shit up in the AL East. Seriously – looking at all those left-handed starters makes my knees weak. I cannot imagine them trotting out every fifth day for the Yankees or Red Sox. Unfortunately, the best among them are either very young (Snell, Maholm), or horribly underachieving (Duke). There’s a reasonable chance that the rotation looks completely different by September – with a team in constant rebuilding mode that’s always a possibility.

Bullpen – Matt Capps actually showed flashes last year of being a respectable closer – the kind of player the Pirates thrive on. If he’s not moved for five mid-level prospects by July he’s either injured or the Pirates are surprisingly good; maybe even above .500! John Grabow & Tyler Yates also showed some potential in 2008 to be reliable setup men to get the ball to Capps, and both had fill-in opportunities as a closer while Capps was down with an injury.

Prediction – In the NL, .500 might just be enough to compete for a Wild Card spot. Unfortunately, I doubt the Pirates will sniff the .500 mark anytime after about May 15. They’re likely doomed to yet another losing season, something in the 68-74 wins range. If it all comes together, the pitchers grow up and the hitters produce consistently, they could be an 80-win team. But I doubt it.

And finally, one of the better spoofs I’ve seen in awhile.  I was actually at the game after this made its debut, and there was talk about it all over the City of Pittsburgh for a week.  Just shows how much this city misses the Steelers in the offseason…

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