Newsday / Alejandra Villa / February 17, 2009

Everyone has been dissecting Alex Rodriguez’s answers from yesterday’s press conference.  What you didn’t know is that the press conference was being edited as the time delay took place.  Fortunately, we were able to obtain the video of what was really being said by A-Rod.  Due to copyrighting laws, we are unable to show you the video; but we can present the transcript to you:

Q. If your name was not revealed in the S.I. report, would you have come out on your own volition?

A. Let’s just start by asking the dumb questions first!  Of course I wouldn’t have said anything.  In fact, I would continue to tell all of you how I have the greatest talent in all the world and you would continue to eat it up like the little blood sucking vultures that you are.

Q. Alex, you talked about the pressure of being the highest-paid player in baseball in Texas as one of the reasons for using performance-enhancing drugs. When you came to New York in 2004, pretty tough place to play, you discontinued the use. Can you talk about why?

A. Jeter was the only one I trusted with a little prick, but he wouldn’t do it.  So, I decided that I would try to be all natural that season.  For whatever reason, Jeter calls it bareback baseball.

Q. Alex, you said you took the substance for three years. What was the benefit of taking it? And when you stopped taking it did you notice any difference when you did stop?

A. Do you do any research before asking questions?  Damn, look at the stats I put up in a Rangers uniform. I was an MVP with monster numbers.  Do you think they helped me?  The couple times I was in the postseason, I was pretty damn good. I haven’t done shit since.  (Turns head towards Brian Cashman) Do I really have to do this?

Q. Alex, when you took the substances, was it in pill form or were you actually injected?

A. I always took injections…in the ass.  (Turns head towards Derek Jeter) Got anything to add, buddy?

Q. Alex, since this came out a week and a half ago, there’s been a lot of people talking about this being cheating. Do you consider what you did cheating?

A. Hell Yes…but cheating in a good way. And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you meddling reporters and your dog. (Rooooooby rooo)

Q. Alex, you’ve obviously had a lot of support from your teammates, but some ex-teammates, Jaime Moyer, just came out with some pretty strong statements about your credibility and whatnot. Do you feel like you have a lot to repair in that sense and what did you make of those particular comments from Jamie Moyer?

A. Do you want to read me Jamie’s comments because I’m not aware of what exactly his old, senile ass said?

Q. Well, he talked about why would we believe what he has to say, his credibility has been seriously damaged, and why would anybody vote for the Hall of Fame for a player who’s admitted using steroids. That kind of thing.

A. Jamie is suffering from dementia, it is said but true.  Roid rage too, probably.

Q. Alex, what’s your cousin’s name and who transported the substance from the Dominican Republic to the United States?

A. Alex Rodriguez…I mean…shit…Wait, what was the second part of that question, George?

Q. Who transported the substance from the Dominican Republic to the United States?

A. You still really believe I got this shit from the DR!?  Look who my teammates were with the Rangers.  George Damn Bush once gave me a cycle the month after Tom Hicks’ turn!

Q. You touched on the fact that some people might refer to this as cheating. How do you address parents now how to talk to their kids about the fact that you profited from this?

A. I’m not talking to the parents.  Obviously, if they’ve paid attention to my social life and my skeletal choice for a mistress, I’m the last person they need to take parenting advice from.  As for the kids…look where I am.  I’m sitting at a podium with the NY Yankees, making a shit-ton of money with every breath I take, and never bothered with college.  But, I’m now also tainted for the rest of my life and legacy. So, to the kids, I say to weigh your priorities.  If integrity and honest success weigh more than the size of a paycheck, put my actions out of mind.  If the latter weighs more than the former?  Well…you know what to do.

Q. Just to be clear, did you know that the stuff you were getting from the Dominican Republic was steroids? And if so I know you said were young, but did you consider the consequences at the time?

A. Are you not listening?  Are you a blogger?  Like I said before, my juice didn’t come from the DR; it came from my teammates…oh yeah, and Bud Selig.  I forgot to mention him earlier; he administered a cycle to my buttocks as well.  I knew what I was doing.  The “young and naive” line was a temporary crutch I used to get you guys off my back.  It didn’t work…so, whatever.  The consequences?  I’ll gladly accept potentially shrunken gonads and swollen head in exchange for possible immortality.

Q. As someone who monitors everything that they put in their body, how could you not have done more research or been more conscientious about what you were taking?

A. Research and monitoring were unnecessary to me.  Those needles didn’t look like anything other than dolla dolla billz in my eyes.

Q. The home run record is obviously something that is going to come up in future years here and obviously it was something important to you and the Yankees when there are $30 million of incentives in your contract as you approach it. Do you feel like your home run record would be tainted, that any of your home runs are tainted and that you should get that money if you get to that point?

A. Oh…I get it. You want me to say “yes” And put myself in more shit. I’ll tell you what. When your editor applauds you for asking this tough question, just think back to how lonely and sad your life is, and then think about me building a Scrooge McDuck Money Bin and swimming around in my $30 Million that I get for putting number 763 over the fence.

Q. Do you feel you have to talk to your teammates and rebuild your credibility with your teammates given that you had denied using steroids in other interviews?

A. Naaah; it’s pretty obvious that Posada’s the only one that hasn’t juiced so they all understand.

Q. Did you ever experiment with anything else during the course of your career such as human growth hormone or amphetamines?

A. Only some little blue pill.  (Turns head towards Derek Jeter) What was that called again?

Q. You were caught up with emotion earlier when you wanted to address your teammates. Now that you’ve gathered yourself a little bit, can you tell us what you wanted to say to your teammates?

A. Nothing really. I’m fucking Alex Rodriguez.

Q. You stated earlier that you didn’t think at the time that what you and your cousin were doing was wrong, but if you didn’t think it was wrong why were you secretive or reluctant to ask for assistance for what you were doing?

A. Seriously?

Q. Roy Oswalt, a former player, a former union member, said that last week in an interview that Alex Rodriguez’s numbers shouldn’t count for anything. “I feel like he cheated me out of the game.” I wonder if you think his position has any validity and if his apparent anger is warranted?

A. Roy Oswalt is a boring old bitty.

Q. You made some serious allegations against Selena Roberts in your interview with Peter Gammons. Do you stand buy those and is it accurate that you spoken with Selena Roberts since then?

A. I was interviewed by Peter Gammons?

Q. Because of your status in the game and how you keep saying that you want people to forget about this and to forgive you, have you given any consideration to submitting to even more testing than players normally get? To say: “Test me every week, test me twice a month. I’m that anxious to prove that what I’m doing now, I’m clean.”

A. And potentially come up dirty again? Hell no!

Q. You talked about in Texas it being a loosey-goosey atmosphere. Did you see other players taking steroids? Were players talking about taking performance enhancing drugs? And if so, what?

A. Ya, we talked about it all the time. “What ya doing this evening?” PEDS. Do you and your writing buddies discuss your alcohol problem?

Q. Alex, if I understand the story you’re telling today, you didn’t know what it did, if you were administering it right and what the effects were, if it had any positive effect. But you said you administered it two times a month for three years. Basic math makes that 36 times. Why would a someone inject something a minimum of 36 times who is a professional athlete who wants to have a long career, if you didn’t know what it does, if you’re doing it right? I just wonder if you can explain.

A. Do you people listen to yourself?

Q. Last week in a USA Today/Gallop Poll, 46 percent of the respondents said they didn’t believe that you didn’t just take it from 2001 to 2003. They believe that you took it other times. What does that say about you? Secondly, Commissioner Selig last week said that you shamed the game and I was wondering if you agree?

A.  First question. 46% I like those odds. Second question, no more than Selig has himself. Seriously, a tie in an All-Star game?

Q. I’m just curious, last week when you had your interview with Peter Gammons, why you did not disclose at that time about how you started using this drug with your cousin? This was an interview you arranged and yet you didn’t tell him about it and you’re only revealing it now.

A. He didn’t ask.

Q. Alex, a little over a year ago in a “60 Minutes” interview, you said you had never taken anything. Last week in the ESPN interview, you said what you said and now you’re clarifying it even more you’re telling us even more. Progressively, the stories have been different. What assurances can you give us that everything you’re saying today is the whole truth, there’s not going to be something more that’s going to come out that you’re going to have to answer for several months or years from now?

A. So you wanted me to just come out and say I juiced? Why don’t you just go tell your husband/wife/girlfriend you cheated on them, then ask that doozy again.

Q. Describe the first time you were injected, where you were, did you have any doubts at the last minute, were you full cog — without doubt? Did the injection hurt afterwards, for the next day or two? Did you feel anything did you have any regrets?

A. It was just a little prick (giggles).

Q. In 2001, 2002, 2003, should your stats and everything you accomplished during that time still count, or is it appropriate to explore wiping those numbers and those accomplishments from your record?

A. Last I checked Pettitte and Giambi’s stats counted. And their stats resulted in giant contracts. You couldn’t pay me much more than what I was making.

A-Rod…Out!

Contributions from Sparty & Friends authors: GatorTrey and Mizerle06

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